hollerbizarre

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 14:04:16 GMT

So, I haven't been on LJ in forever. And by forever I mean roughly two weeks. My computer died and I've been using my dad's without his knowledge. So, i've been trying not to be on any sites that if he found existing would jeopardize me in some way, you know? Anyway, nothing has really changed with me. I haven't been like "actively pursuing" my disorder, but it's just lingering. This would be because of my newest pot addiction. I love drugs. I've been maintaining, but it's just not at the best weight. However, I've been feeling more and more like I need to curl back into my disorder. Hence the visit back here and to Xanga. It's ridiculous how much these two places motivated me.

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:02:43 GMT

So, I sort of went crazy. I was home from 1:00 on Friday until I went to pick up my phone charger from my friend's house Sunday night. I did absolutely nothing. However, I was doing really well during the day. I would be restricting, exercising, feeling fabulous. At night, I'd binge and purge. Whatev. Then, one day I cracked. I've been binging and eating ever since and I feel ashamed. That's why I haven't been on LJ. I feel too gross, too fat, and too much like a failure. The other day, I just cried and cried. Everything was too much. This disorder was just too much. I had thrown myself into a world where I would just constantly be on my LJ communities, watching Intervention with EDs on YouTube, but then I had nothing to break it up. I wasn't working, I wasn't going out with friends. Now, however, I'm working everyday until Saturday. But it was all too much. I was upset because I ate so much I felt like I gained six pounds and then I was like "I'm upset because I feel like I gained 6 pounds? Like.. it's six pounds... But it's six pounds.. God, I'm fucked up." Then, my dad hasn't bought anymore water (I'm a bottle freak). We have bananas. That's it for the fruits/veggies category. I don't even know right now.

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 12:49:03 GMT

:Cross posted to The Purgatorium:

I'm really trying not to binge and purge and if I do I'm really hard on myself, but I almost feel like why should I punish myself for b/p or like try to control it? It's part of my eating disorder; why not just give in?

Oh, you mean, like you are?
Yeah..

But it's like.. because starving myself is so much better? I mean, sure, I don't get the fucked up throat. I don't know. It's weird; I feel like I've become biased to one half of my disorder. One half of me.

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 04:27:58 GMT

Hokay, so, it's a new day and I'm just going to let my disorder do what it will. Like, if I want to binge and purge, I'm fucking going to. If I want to exercise, I'm fucking going to. Whatever. I will be thin, though. I want to go run. I want to do tae bo. My dad's not asleep yet though. So, I can't sneak out to run. I really want to run. Damnit. I'll just go exercise in my room.

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 14:56:20 GMT

Intake:
-Water: 0
-Diet Pepsi: 0
-Coffee: 0
-Half & Half: 40
Total: 40

Outtake:
-50 crunches
-50 squats
-30 lunges for each leg

I'm trying to stay under 300 calories today. I'm quite confident that I'll do well during the day. I'm starting to develop this fabulous habit of binging and purging at night though; hopefully, I can stop that before it gets out of control. I weighed myself this morning (like I do every morning, of course) and the scale read 143.5. It's not digital; it's one of those scales with the pointer thing. It's kind of hard for me to read and, for some reason, I've never quite trusted those scales. I'll go weigh myself on the digital scale in the basement after I go to the bathroom to double check.

So, I was hoping that the a/c was working, but it's not. Again. Still. I'm starting to break a sweat sitting here listening to my Amy Winehouse playlist. This isn't cool. Literally. I need to call Alyssa's dad later to see when I can get my phone charger since I left it at her beach house. I haven't had it since.. Wednesday? Yeah, not cool. It's been bordering life and death since then. Heavy on the latter. I made my dad buy me a car charger, which is a nice idea save for the fact I haven't been driving a lot to charge it. I have to work tomorrow. I'm kind of glad because I haven't left my house since early Friday afternoon. God, I'm a loser.

Here's to hoping

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 05:26:57 GMT

Well, first entry in a fresh LiveJournal. It's early Sunday morning and I'm still awake. My a/c still isn't working, which is why I've been sitting in front of my fan all day. For the past week. I've been feeling like bugs are crawling on my skin and I hate it so much. I kind of want to dip my body in acid, but I think that's a little extreme.

So, I was fabulously not eating today and thought all would be well. Then, my dad decides to get pizza for dinner. Terrific! So, I eat three pieces and purge. Yeah, it was definitely disgusting because it was so hot that I was in my bathroom sweating; you could see it on my skin. Then, I ate the last two pieces and started to purge them until my toothbrush fell into the toilet. Fabulous! Fuck that. I have an extra in my car. I wasn't happy. Anyway, I'm starting a new plan. 200 calorie restriction and a lot of exercise! I'm also trying to eliminate binging and purging, but we'll see how well that goes, huh? Here's to hoping!